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Mosquito Time/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Oh, man, those mosquitoes are bad out there! Emma Leroy: Tell me about it. Your father won't leave the house. Brent: I might not leave the house. Can I have my room back? My Linda Ronstadt poster's still up. Emma: He's making me crazy, always around. Maybe there's something he could do at the gas station. Brent: Hah, that's rich. Oh, you're serious? Well, why punish me? Emma: It's easier to hurt the ones you love. You don't have to pay him. Get him to volunteer. Brent: Can't you think of something easier for me to do, like taking a bear cub from its mother? Oscar Leroy: Emma! There's too much sky in this jigsaw puzzle. It's supposed to be windmills, not a buncha damn sky. Buncha stupid clouds blowing around! Emma: Do something. Brent: Wait a minute. I know how I can get Dad to work for free. Brent: I need you to convince my Dad to work here for free. Wanda Dollard: Hah, that's rich. You're serious? Why me? Brent: It's easier to hurt the ones who work for ya. Davis Quinton: Remember, part of our job is to make sure nothing too big gets put in the time capsule. Karen Pelly: How big is too big? Davis: Nothing bigger than a breadbox. Karen: What if we put an actual breadbox into the time capsule? Davis: If it's a smaller one. Karen: Roger that. Davis: But it should be big enough to hold bread. Karen: Roger that. Davis: We want a functional breadbox. Karen: "Roger that" means I understand. Lacey Burrows: Can I get involved in the time capsule, please? You know, I'd hate for this to be another community event I'm not involved in. Davis: Like what? Lacey: Like all of them. Karen: C'mon, you had a good time at Dog River Fun Days, didn't ya? Lacey: What's Dog River Fun Days? Davis: So Lacey, what would you like to put into the time capsule? Now remember, it has to be something that encapsulates your personality. Karen: And it has to be smaller than a breadbox. Davis: A functional one, not one of those novelty miniature breadboxes, for example. Lacey: Oh, wow. Could I have some time to think about this? Davis: Sure. Hey, how about that mug? Lacey: You think that my personality is encapsulated by a mug? Davis: Not a mug, that mug. Wanda: You do realize that if I'm successful, Oscar will be working here, with us, like a lot? With us! Brent: I understand it's an odd request, especially getting him to work for free. Wanda: You got me to work for almost free. Brent: You almost work. Wanda: I'm just saying, I could be in for a real dogfight. Brent: Well, that's why I'm backin' ya up, at The Ruby, over a muffin. Good luck. Wanda: Oh, hey, Oscar. Boy, it's sure been busy around here. Too bad we didn't have an extra set a hands to... Oscar: I'll help out, for free, even. Wanda: Wow, I'm good. I should be a hostage negotiator. Oscar: Oh, don't flatter yourself. I gotta get outta the house. Emma's drivin' me nuts. Lacey: Close the door, Hank. The mosquitoes. Hank Yarbo: Mosquitoes? Davis: It's terrible. It's like "The Birds" out there. Hank: Mosquitoes are like the birds? Karen: That movie, except instead of birds, mosquitoes. Hank: Yeah, I don't know that one. Lacey: It's like "When Harry Met Sally" except instead of funny romantic moments, mosquitoes. Hank: Who's Sally? Lacey: Oh! Karen: You're not helpin'. Davis: There are a lot of mosquitoes. Hank: Oh, I get your drift. Hey, Davis, remember last year at Dog River Fun Days you said I could... Davis: So, Hank, Lacey's just choosing her contribution for the time capsule. Hank: Oh, yeah? How about that mug? Karen: She's not interested in any mug. Hank: Not any mug, that mug. Lacey: You know, I, I hate to sound like a broken record, but I am not putting that mug in the time capsule. Davis: How about a broken record? Oh, come on. You sound like one. Oscar: I forgot about all the nutcases ya meet on this job. Brent: Why? What happened? Oscar: A guy asked if we take VISA. I told him this wasn't the ballet, "Cash or Chargex." Brent: VISA used to be Chargex. They changed their name. Oscar: Since when? Brent: Well, I remember the Chargex Company changed its name to VISA, then I was born. Oscar: Well, how was I supposed to know? Brent: Well, we have a big VISA sign. Oscar: We have a big Pepsi sign. It doesn't mean we take Pepsi. Brent: It means we sell Pepsi. Oscar: We sell Pepsi? Since when? Brent: Tell Wanda I'll be at The Ruby. Emma: There is a lot of sky. Brent: Explain this monstrosity. Lacey: Oh, Brent. You just twist the top. Brent: You lost me. Can we go back to the old way, where you do it? Oscar: Can we just go back to the old way? You do it. Wanda: This way is easier. Slide it through, boo-boop. Oscar: The old way was better. You just put the card in that thing and, tchit-tchit. Wanda: Just slide it through and go, boo-boop. Oscar: Tchit-tchit is better. Wanda: You used to get your hand caught in the tchit-tchit. Oscar: I could be electrocuted by the boop-boop. Lacey: Look, the new way is better. I can just leave the carafe. Brent: But, aaeaah, look it. Ah, I can't. It's like a Chinese coffee puzzle. Lacey: Oh, Brent. Would you like to take it home and practice? Brent: This is too hard. Lacey: Come on, not for most people. Karen: Lacey, could you help me open this thing? Oscar: Why are all the gums sugar free? Brent: You tell me. Commies or hippies? Oscar: In my day you could sugar in gum. It made you stronger, prepared you for the real world. Brent: Uh-huh. Oscar: Geez. They got all kinds of pop now. Brent: Uh-huh. Oscar: It used to be you just got cola, and that was it. Take the rust off nails. Now they got Vanilla or Lime. Holy hell! Orange? Brent: You know Dad, you don't have to verbalize every thought that crosses your mind. Oscar: Liquorice sticks. Brent: Don't tell me liquorice was better in your day. Oscar: No, it's exactly the same. They haven't changed one iota. The liquorice people have gotten lazy. They've had it too good for too long. Brent: Tell Wanda I'll be at The Ruby. Emma: Oscar, stop it! Just go out for a while. Lacey: How can you stand it out here, with all these mosquitoes? Hank: They're not so bad. How does this thing work? Oh, you what? Forget it, I don't want to know. Lacey: No, Hank, it is so easy. You just take it... Hank: I'm not listening. We all have a certain amount of brain space and I'm savin' mine for important stuff. Hank: I got some new knock-knock jokes. Ah, great. Put them up there with the Bananarama lyrics. Hank: Hey, you wanna hear a knock-knock joke? Lacey: You know what? You're right. The mosquitoes aren't so bad when I stand next to you. Hank: Knock-knock. Lacey: Okay. Who's there? Hank: Bananarama. No, wait. Hank: Uh...way to go. Brent: How's it been goin' so far? Oscar: Just goin' great. Wanda let me close yesterday. Brent: She did? Oscar: Except, sorry, I had trouble setting the alarm. Brent: Alarm? We don't have a... Wanda: Hey! What happened to the debit machine? Brent: Ah. Wanda: It looks like someone took a hammer to it. Oscar: I said sorry. Brent: Wanda, tell Dad I'll be at The Ruby. Davis: Lacey says Hank's immune to mosquitoes. So you and I are going to do a little experiment. Karen: Hmm. Count me in. I suppose I should get that. Davis: Up to you. Karen (phone): What? I mean Dog River Police. Emma (phone): Oh, hi, Karen. It's Emma. What's new? Karen (phone): I'm on duty. This is an emergency line. Emma (phone): Me, I'm just doing a puzzle. All the pieces are blue. Karen (phone): Just blue? Emma (phone): Well, there's some windmills, but... Karen (phone): Are the windmills blue? Emma (phone): No. The sky is blue, Karen. Karen (phone): Again, this is an emergency line. Is there at least a piece missing? Hank: Don't be so greedy, Lacey. Save some coffee for someone else. Lacey: People can't figure out the carafes. Brent: Well, I hate to say I told you so... Lacey: Do you? Because I'm not really getting that feeling. Hank: Well, I'm off to the Co-op to get dish soap. Lacey: You know what? I'll come too. I, uh, also need soap, I've discovered. Hank: All right. The more the merrier. Lacey: We're doing an experiment on Hank. Brent: Well, it had to happen eventually. What are you guys lookin' at? Wanda: It doesn't seem to be working. Oscar: Stupid new boop-boop machine. I hate to say I told you so... Wanda: No, you don't. You and Brent both love to say I told you so. Oscar: Let's get the old machine out now. You know, sometimes you just have to put your trust in the tried and true. Wanda: Especially when the new and true's been busted with a hammer. Customer: I'm kinda in a hurry here. Wanda: Oh, no. This will be worth it. Oscar: Aaagh! Ow! Wanda: Huh? Gosh, that takes me back. Emma (phone): I mean clouds, birds, lots of things could be in the sky, break up that solid field of blue. Zeppelins? I'm not saying they should fly in a Zeppelin just for the puzzle, but they could take a picture of a windmill where a Zeppelin was nearby. Don't you think? Karen? Hank: Ah, Lacey? Lacey: What? Hank: Aren't you walkin' a little close? Lacey: No, not too close. Karen: Can we walk with you guys? Hank: Sure. You know where we're goin'? Davis: It doesn't matter buddy. Just want to spend some quality Hank time. Lacey: Yeah, we just walked all the way to the Co-op and didn't get bit once. Davis: Interesting. Hank: Yeah, if you find dish soap interesting. Karen: I don't think of you as washing dishes, or washing anything, really. Hank: Well, not dishes, myself. Hair, hands, a lot of people don't know that dish soap can be used that way. Karen: Hey. Lacey: Dish soap. Davis: Of course, dish soap. Hank: They're really jacked up about the dish soap. Brent: I'm stumped. This new carafe is worse than the old new carafe. Lacey: You want to know how it works? Maybe I should offer a seminar. Brent: Don't bother. You're just going to be replacing it soon anyway. Hank (phone): Ah, sure, Emma. Okay. I'll be there in like 10 minutes. Hank: That was weird. Your Mom wants me to go get her and walk her over here. I wonder what that's about. Lacey: Who knows? Crazy, crazy Emma. Hank: Yeah. Brent: Is there even any coffee in this? Hank: Everyone wants to be near me. It's almost like the whole town is... Frank: Hello, Hank. My name's Frank. Hank: Hey, that rhymes, Hank, Frank. Frank: Yeah. I'm havin' a barbeque. You wanna come? Hank: Yeah, sure. Frank: Great. My place is just up the road. I'll see ya there. Hank: What was I sayin'? Lacey: It's like the whole town is... Hank: Right. The whole is discovering me for who I really am. Lacey: That's it, Hank. Ya nailed it. Hank: Yeah. Lacey: That's for the coffee. Brent: What coffee? Oscar: I told ya. I don't want anything to do with your stupid time capsule. If people in the future want to know about me, why don't they just ask me. Davis: We want to buy some liquid dish soap. Oscar: Licky disco? Karen: Liquid dish soap, lemon. Oscar: Will people in the future care about lemon dish soap? Karen: No, for the mosquitoes. Davis: Hank uses it to keep mosquitoes away, and he's bought out the Co-op. Oscar: Oh? Well, in that case, I'd be happy to sell ya some. $15, each. Davis: Fifteen bucks? Brent wouldn't gouge us like this. Oscar: Brent also doesn't pay me. Lacey: Here. And wait, I have printed instructions. Wanda: I think I can handle it, Lacey. It's just a carafe. Oh. What the hell? Lacey: Shssh. It's okay. Brent: Hey, Lacey, I think the long hand on your clock is like five or six seconds slow. Lacey: Duly noted. He just sits around all day commenting on things. Wanda: Yeah? You think Oscar's a picnic? Oscar: Does this penny look round to you? Wanda: Then, we had a 30 minute conversation about ceiling tiles. Lacey: What are we gonna do? Hank: I'm really enjoying these walks. It's great that people from, you know, different generations can communicate the way that we are right now. It reminds me of this time when... Emma: See ya. Al Goar (Stranger): Are you goin' past the Liquor store? Hank: Yeah, sure. Emma: Hi Lacey. Lacey: Hey, Emma. Emma: Listen, I have a request, and I really don't want Brent to hear this. Lacey: Oh, don't worry. He's occupied. Emma: Look, I, I know this sounds strange, but I miss Oscar around the house. His weirdness keeps me sane. Wanda: You and I are very different people. lacey: Look, Emma, what if you just talked to him, you know, openly and honestly? Emma: I don't want to yell at him. Wanda: I'll take care of it, Emma. Emma: Really? Wanda: Leave it to me. Sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love. Other times you get to hurt Oscar. Emma: What smells like lemon? Frank: Dwain who? Hank: Dwain the tub, I'm dwownding. Frank: Yeah, that's funny stuff. Could you come and stand by the buffet? Hank: Ah, yeah, sure, yeah. Oscar (phone): Lemon soap. Just send as much as you can spare, a whole truckload. Wanda: Who is that? Oscar: Why so nosey, Rosie? Wanda: I'm just wondering how Brent ever did this without ya. It doesn't seem right that you do it all for free. Oscar: Well... Wanda: I guess that's the way it is with kids, huh? You bring them into the world and then they take advantage of you. Oscar: Brent thinks he can take advantage of me, huh? I should go in there right now and tell him to pay me. Wanda: Oh, he'd love that, to see his father, beggin' for money. Oscar: Oh, yeah? Well, I won't give him the satisfaction. We'll just see how this place falls apart after I quit! Wanda: 180 degrees in 20 seconds. Not bad! Hank: As you all know, before we bury the new time capsule, it's traditional to, uh, open the old one, so... Lacey: Oh, this is exciting! I didn't know that we were going to open an old time capsule as well. Brent: Oh yeah, I can barely remember what I put in. Lacey: You were there? Brent: Sure. It's just last year. Lacey: Last year? Brent: Yeah, we do this every year. It used to be every 25 years, and then every ten years, and then it became an excuse to drink and well, here we are. Lacey: An annual time capsule? That doesn't seem a tad goofy to anybody else? Hank: All right, everyone, behold the past. Davis: Okay, Brent, ya had a mug. Karen, a mug. Brent: Crazy. Karen: It's hard to believe we drank out of these things. Davis: Whose hat is this? Hank: So that's where it went. Nice! Lacey: So you just bury a bunch of old mugs in a box and then you drink all night? Brent: It's very moving. It makes you think. Lacey: I still can't believe you do this every year. Brent: It's less jarring this way. Hank: If you leave a time capsule for 25 or 50 years, by the time you open it again, it's just a bunch of old stuff. Lacey: You guys, this isn't a real time capsule. You're supposed to put all types of things in there, you know, non-mug type things. Karen: Listen to her. First time out and she's telling us about time capsules. Davis: Someone's not comin' to the Dog River Fun Days. Hank: Lacey's right. I'm gonna put my hat in there. Or maybe not. That box is pretty ratty. Lacey: Oh, here. Put it in this. Davis: All right! Lacey brought coffee. Brent: Now you're just carrying those things around with you? Not too weird. Lacey: This was supposed to be my contribution. Brent: Wait a minute. You thought this was a real capsule and your contribution was going to be a carafe? Lacey: Not any carafe. This carafe. Hank: Thanks. This will keep my hat safe. Brent: It kept coffee safe from me. Lacey: Oh, my God, the mosquitoes! Karen: Oh, they're worse than ever! Davis: Run! Lacey: I don't know what happened. It's like that lemon soap made them crazy. Karen: But it can't be the soap, because Hank uses the soap and...Hank. Lacey: Oh, my God, Hank. Hank: Man, it's like Sally and Harry out there today. Davis: But why? The only difference between you now and before is...your hat. Hank: My hat! Hank: Come on! How do you open this thing? Wanda: Oscar, just stop it and go outside. Brent: It's okay. He's not here anymore. Oscar: Why are ya doin' that stupid puzzle? Too much blue. It's poor puzzlemanship. Tchit-tchit. Emma: Aah! It's good to have you back, Oscar. Brent: I must admit, it was masterful, the way I got Dad to leave, a good plan all around. He worked for free and no harm done. Delivery Man: I got 1,800 boxes of lemon dish soap. Wanda: Masterful. Category:Transcripts